Many could reap the benefits of asserting themselves more, not just professionally, but in all life aspects. Whether you're a door supervisor facing patrons who disregard your requests or feel disrespected in any context, amplifying your assertiveness is key. While we understand issues like low self-esteem or past traumas may underpin a lack of assertiveness, we're here to offer practical, effective advice and techniques that yield real-world results—consider this a positive step towards transforming your life.
This guide aims to empower you with assertiveness, fostering respect from those you meet.
Understanding Assertiveness
Assertiveness is invaluable in any career, particularly for those in public-facing roles. For security personnel, especially door supervisors, it's essential for reducing conflict, handling emergencies effectively, enhancing communication with patrons, and career progression.
Assertiveness differs significantly from aggression. Aggression often entails selfish, intimidatory, or even violent means to an end. Assertiveness is about expressing your needs and respecting others' rights in a balanced way.
Consider the scenario where 'Karen,' a hypothetical shift worker, has planned a day off with her mother, but her boss, 'Dan,' calls her in. If her contract doesn't bind her to accept any shift, it's her choice to work or not.
'Passive Karen' would acquiesce to Dan's request, canceling her plans. 'Assertive Karen,' however, recognizes her right to choose. She evaluates the situation and, if deciding against working, firmly but politely declines, prioritizing her plans.
Assertiveness lies at the midpoint between passivity and aggression. Unfortunately, assertive behavior, especially in women, can be misinterpreted as rudeness or aggressiveness. Yet, a truly assertive individual remains steadfast, articulating their needs with firmness, politeness, and consideration.
The narrative of Karen and Dan illustrates a broader application of assertiveness, encouraging reflection on how it might be employed in both professional and personal contexts.
Benefits of Being More Assertive
Assertiveness brings multiple benefits, enhancing both personal well-being and career growth. By adopting an assertive approach, individuals experience increased respect, confidence, and effective communication, contributing to better mental health. This contrasts sharply with the outcomes of passive or aggressive communication, which can undermine relationships and professional advancement.
Passive individuals often find themselves overlooked or dismissed, leading to decreased self-confidence, low self-esteem, and even depression. This lack of assertiveness can prevent them from standing out in their careers, despite their capabilities. On the other hand, aggressive communicators face challenges in the workplace due to their tendency to interrupt, rush conversations, and dominate discussions, which can result in a lack of respect from colleagues and management alike.
Assertive individuals, however, strike a balance by expressing their needs and opinions respectfully and clearly, leading to higher esteem and better interpersonal relationships. They are more likely to achieve their desired outcomes in various situations, from customer service interactions to workplace negotiations and personal relationships. Assertiveness attracts partners who value equality and respect, fostering healthier, more balanced relationships.
In the context of security work, neither passivity nor aggressiveness is effective. Passive security personnel may fail to adequately manage situations, endangering themselves and others, while overly aggressive personnel can escalate conflicts unnecessarily. Assertive security professionals, such as door supervisors, maintain control with respect and calmness, earning trust and respect, and thereby reducing the likelihood of violence.
In summary, assertiveness is a key to a less stressful and more successful life. It enables individuals to navigate complex social and professional landscapes with confidence and respect, leading to more satisfying relationships and more effective conflict resolution.
Assertiveness Begins Within
Before you speak, take time to clarify your thoughts. Pinpoint exactly what you want and your reasons for wanting it. Remember, in today's world, surveillance technology like cameras, even body cameras, can be ubiquitous, making clarity and sincerity more important than ever.
Understanding your message thoroughly simplifies the process of articulating it effectively. Nobel Prize laureate Richard Feynman famously stated, "if you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough." This principle underscores the importance of deep comprehension in effective communication.
Consider Chidi Anagonye from 'The Good Place' as an illustrative example. Despite being the most intellectually advanced character, Chidi's extreme hesitancy hampers his ability to communicate clearly. He excels when conveying others' ideas but struggles with his own due to constant doubt.
In contrast, Jason Mendoza, depicted as a well-meaning but less intelligent character, always communicates with confidence. Despite his ideas often being impractical or risky, his assertiveness garners more attention and consideration than Chidi's.
Therefore, understanding what you want and why is crucial before making a request. This approach not only enhances your clarity but also boosts the effectiveness of your communication. This skill is invaluable, especially in scenarios requiring authority and directness, such as security work.
Take Your Thought to Court
Such thoughts often stem from assumptions developed in childhood or adolescence about the world and our role within it. These assumptions solidify over time, supported by anecdotal 'evidence,' into deeply held personal beliefs.
When encountering these unhelpful thoughts, it's crucial to question their origin. You might find the logic flawed or trace them back to childhood experiences. If so, challenge these beliefs. As the adage goes, 'take your thought to court' and assess its utility. If found unhelpful, aim to replace it with a positive affirmation.
Challenging these beliefs is essential to eradicate unhelpful thoughts and foster assertiveness.
While this article touches on methods to combat negative self-beliefs, further discussion and resources are available through the provided links. The NHS also offers options to self-refer for therapy, which can significantly boost self-esteem and confidence.
In 1975, Dr. Manuel Smith's book 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty' introduced an 'assertive bill of rights,' emphasizing the right to self-judgment, refusal without justification, independence in solving others' problems, change of mind, opinion disagreement, mistake ownership, and the freedom to admit lack of knowledge, decision-making illogicality, or indifference.
Reflecting on these rights to identify personal emotional responses can illuminate areas needing improvement, especially in professional settings.
The Power of ‘I’
Assertiveness and clarity are intertwined: cultivating internal clarity is as crucial as practicing external clarity. Unconfident individuals tend to either overcommunicate or undercommunicate, both of which are ineffective approaches. Overcommunicators are often overlooked because their primary messages get lost in their excessive talk, while undercommunicators may miss opportunities to share their ideas and perspectives.
One critical aspect to avoid is making blanket statements. Presenting opinions as undeniable facts can serve as a persuasive strategy, particularly in politics, but it tends to be divisive and polarizing. In interpersonal exchanges, prefacing thoughts with "I think," "I feel," or "I find" promotes a more inclusive dialogue than asserting opinions as absolute truths. For instance, consider Karen and her partner, Julie, discussing a movie they just watched. If Karen declares, "That movie was terrible," and Julie counters with, "You're wrong. It was fantastic," they are presenting personal opinions as facts, setting the stage for conflict. However, rephrasing their statements to, "I thought that movie was terrible," and "Well, I thought it was fantastic," shifts the conversation from a debate over facts to an exchange of personal views, fostering a healthier dialogue.
Using "I" statements not only minimizes tension but also enables individuals to express their needs and desires more effectively. These statements clearly identify expressions as personal opinions rather than facts, encouraging others to inquire about your reasoning and listen more openly, rather than merely attempting to rebut your argument. Moreover, incorporating the perspectives of others into "I" statements demonstrates empathy and consideration, avoiding the appearance of self-absorption.
For example, if Karen is discussing taking time off with her boss, Dan, a statement like, "I understand your predicament, but I've promised to spend the day with my mother and have already canceled on her twice. It wouldn't be fair," shows an appreciation for Dan's situation while asserting her own needs. Phrases like "I understand your point of view" or "I know you're busy right now" ensure that the conversation acknowledges the needs, desires, and perspectives of others. "I" statements are particularly effective for situations requiring diplomacy, such as a door supervisor needing to turn someone away gently.
Assertiveness Techniques
One such technique is 'discrepancy assertion,' where one politely points out inconsistencies between someone's words and actions. For instance, if Dan asks Tracy to work on her day off, Tracy could respond, "Dan, you said last week I deserved a rest and encouraged me to take time off, yet now you're asking me to come in."
This approach should be devoid of any bitterness, serving merely as an objective observation. For example, Dan's request contradicts his previous statement about rest, and Tracy is merely highlighting this contradiction.
If Tracy feels upset—perhaps this isn't the first time Dan has made such requests, leading her to cancel personal plans—she might use 'negative feelings' assertion. This method allows her to express how Dan's actions make her feel without casting blame. She could say, "Dan, asking me to work on my days off puts me in a tough spot. I've had to cancel plans with my mother twice because of this. Now, no matter what I decide, I'll feel guilty."
Assertiveness ensures your needs, opinions, and desires are expressed and respected, which is impossible without effective communication. Dan might not realize the pressure he's putting on Tracy; he asks her because she tends to agree, possibly out of guilt or obligation rather than desire or necessity. It's crucial to convey if someone's actions are causing undue stress or feeling unfair.
Persistence on Dan's part might continue, but Tracy needs to maintain her stance for her well-being and to preserve her personal time.
In her personal life, Tracy might need to assert herself too. If, for example, the phone company overcharges her and offers compensation not in cash but in 'phone minutes', despite her need for a monetary refund, Passive Tracy might accept this. However, Aggressive Tracy might react with anger, potentially worsening the situation.
Assertive Tracy, conversely, would calmly insist on speaking to a manager, persisting through delays or disconnections until the issue is resolved.
This introduces 'consequence assertion', which involves clearly and calmly outlining the outcomes of continued inaction. So, if a phone company representative is uncooperative, Assertive Tracy could state, "If you're unable to assist me, I'll need to speak with your manager. I'd prefer to resolve this amicably, but without your assistance, I have no choice." This may prompt the representative to address her request more seriously.
Tracy might find herself telling the manager, "If there's no alternative, I will be compelled to lodge a formal complaint with your head office. I'd rather not do this, but it all hinges on your willingness to issue a refund today." It's surprising how effective this approach can be.
Meanwhile, a less assertive Tracy repeatedly cancels her plans, harbors resentment towards her boss for his heavy-handedness, but remains silent, even allowing the phone company to wrongfully take money.
On the other hand, an assertive Tracy secures her day off, makes Dan reconsider his treatment of employees, and successfully recovers her money from the phone company, complete with an apology and assurance of no future errors.
Using physical assertiveness techniques, such as maintaining eye contact with the person you're speaking to, is crucial. Eye contact is a powerful tool; it signals honesty, confidence, and respect, and shows that you're actively listening. Those hiding something, feeling ashamed, guilty, fearful, or nervous often avoid eye contact.
To assert yourself effectively, practice active listening, stand tall, and maintain open body language. We've provided techniques for this on our site, so check them out for tips. It's equally critical to minimize physical tension to stay composed. We've discussed calming strategies elsewhere to prevent crossing from assertive to aggressive behavior.
While not all these methods apply directly to security professionals in their work life, they are valuable in personal interactions.
How to Say ‘No’
The reluctance to say no typically stems from a fear of disappointing or displeasing others, a fear of confrontation, or simply a desire to avoid it. Yet, mastering the ability to say no—and firmly standing by that decision—is a crucial aspect of assertiveness, especially for those in roles like door supervision.
Failing to say no when necessary can lead to resentment towards those who are always met with a yes. It can result in taking on more work than one can handle or succumbing to demands from friends and family that monopolize one's time.
Consider Julie and Tracy: if Julie can't resist her family's weekly invitations, both may end up spending their weekends at social events they’d rather skip. This not only risks Tracy feeling resentful towards Julie but can lead to Julie resenting Tracy when she opts to stay home. The lack of downtime can leave both feeling exhausted and irritable, potentially impacting their professional lives.
Saying no abruptly can come off as rude—more aggressive than assertive. For instance, if Julie mentions attending a barbecue at Uncle Barney's and Tracy flatly refuses, it's blunt. Instead, Tracy should express her feelings more thoughtfully, explaining her need for rest after a hectic week at work, thereby declining in a respectful manner. Should Julie be upset, Tracy must remain calm, polite, and honest in her stance.
When denying entry at the door, it's best to keep the refusal straightforward and avoid lengthy explanations that might invite negotiation. Over-apologizing for saying no can also undermine the refusal, suggesting a lack of conviction. Hence, taking ownership of the decision is key; a firm "I don’t want to" is more assertive than a passive "I can’t help you."
There are several effective ways to say no. The 'direct no' is succinct but can be perceived as aggressive. The 'reflecting no' acknowledges the requester's feelings while maintaining the refusal. The 'reasoned no' offers a brief rationale for the denial. Other methods include the 'no for now', suggesting future compliance; the 'negotiated no', seeking a compromise; and the 'repetitive no', consistently refusing multiple requests.
For door supervisors and security personnel, the skillful art of saying no is invaluable. A door supervisor capable of turning away patrons without causing upset is highly sought after—embodying this skill can significantly enhance your demand in the field.
The 3 ‘C’s
We recognize that this feature has presented you with a wealth of information, and it might feel overwhelming to retain it all. If you're concerned about remembering everything, consider adopting a strategy known as 'the 3 C's' of assertive communication. These are Confidence, Clarity, and Control.
Confidence empowers you to have faith in yourself and your abilities, convincing you that you can manage the situation at hand. It allows you to value your ideas and contributions, affirming that your needs, desires, and viewpoints are as legitimate as anyone else's.
Clarity ensures that your communication is effective and straightforward, making your ideas easy to understand and minimizing the chances of misinterpretation.
Control enables you to convey your message in a composed and serene manner. Unlike passive or aggressive individuals who are often driven by emotions such as fear, anger, or frustration, controlling your response helps you express your needs and desires without succumbing to excessive emotionality.
Together, these three principles can significantly enhance your assertive communication skills.
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